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WEDNESDAY night, at 9pm, on Channel 4, Katie Price began talking. 

An hour later, she finally stopped.

6The mucky mansion has become a physical expression of all Katie’s inner turmoil and insecurities, which are vast

In between times? There was a relentless drone of psychobabble, egomania, innuendo and self-pity, punctuated by the odd DIY tip.

But what all of it meant? I’ve no proper idea, as I reckon you’d need a team of behavioural scientists, doctors and zoologists to get inside this girl’s noggin.

I think, though, we can firmly put the blame for Katie Price’s Mucky Mansion on Clarkson’s Farm, an Amazon series that was so brilliant and funny, rival channels are now prepared to give pretty much any celebrity with a few spare country acres and a career hiatus their own fly-on-the-wall series.

BBC1’s got Kelvin’s Big Farming Adventure, Charlotte Church is doing something with her Welsh spa on a fringe network and Channel 4 has a ten-bedroom wreck in Sussex that’s almost as flattered by the description “mucky” as Katie is by the words “author, designer and political campaigner”.

The place is a s**thole. Thieves have ransacked the entire gaff, Harvey’s smashed the windows, two dogs and a horse have died on the premises, a couple of boyfriends have probably fled before soft rot set in and as Mucky Madam herself admitted: “If I walked through that front door it would give me ann-ziety.”

Yeah, bloody Ann Ziety, the slag.

The place has become a physical expression of all Katie’s inner turmoil and insecurities, which are vast, because the basic equation at play here is that the more restoration work she did to herself, the less got done to the house. 

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To the extent Katie now looks like a startled version of Anneka Rice and it’s often difficult to tell whether the narrator, James Thornton, and Katie are actually referring to the house or her. “It’s empty, echoey, cold and needs bringing back to life.” (The house.)

“Katie’s plastic floorboards need to be pulled up.” (The house.)

“I need a lot of wood downstairs.” (Definitely Katie.)

The plan now, of course, is to restore one of the old eyesores (the house) to its former glory with the aid of the usual handymen and random dogsbodies who tend to turn up on these shows.

Half the joy, in fact, of Clarkson’s Farm was the brilliance of characters like Kaleb and Gerald, who were given free rein to tear Jeremy a new one, even if you couldn’t always understand a word some of them were saying and they had to be subtitled in German.

Katie, by contrast, has one long-suffering builder called Steve, who, apart from the moment she dropped a chimney pot on her roof, seems entirely indifferent to the cack-handed din going on next to him.

Katie hasn’t twigged, obviously, because she is too wrapped up in herself and milking a creative urge in the belief that as well as being an “author, designer and political campaigner”, she’s also got a touch of the Laurence Llewelyn-Bowens about her. All I can say to that one is, as interior designers go, Katie Price makes a great serial killer. Week one saw her take a knife to some stuffed toys, which were then mounted in son Jett’s bedroom. Week two, I’m assuming, she’ll do the same thing to a few ex-husbands and have them stuffed and mounted in her own bedroom.

I may not get to see it happen though, as, like Steve, I’d zoned out because the makeover process wasn’t half as interesting as the questions this show raised. For instance, even allowing for her £45,000 appearance fee, how does someone with as many debts as Katie afford all this rebuilding? 

6Katie now looks like a startled version of Anneka Rice

And what the hell is she even doing on Channel 4, a state-owned broadcaster whose stated purpose is to “represent unheard voices”?

Naively, I’d thought the fact Katie’s My Crazy Life had gone from Sky Living to Quest Red, before vanishing completely, meant the most over-heard voice in Britain was about to experience total and much-needed obscurity.

Channel 4, however, seems to be in the grip of some horrendous mid-life crisis, surviving off 80s-style titillation (Breastfeeding My Boyfriend etc) while regurgitating other people’s ideas and cast-offs like Katie Price.

Foolishly, some of its senior employees may also be quite thrilled the release of Mucky Mansion has coincided with Katie’s arrest on suspicion of breaching a restraining order, in the belief it will make them look edgy, rather than desperate, clapped out and in urgent need of privatisation.

Hell, they’re so deluded they could even be contemplating another series.

“Will Mucky Mansion be Katie Price’s for ever home?” the show wondered out loud on Wednesday.

At the moment? I’d like to think there’s more chance of it being Monster Mansion.

Trigger plot a bit of a dud 6What Trigger Point lacks at the moment is real tension, fully formed characters, alternative locations, back stories, or in fact any story beyond the absolute basics.

A TACTICAL error from ITV during Saturday’s edition of The John Bishop Show, where they displayed a “Countdown to Trigger Point” clock at the top of the screen, rather than a “Countdown to the end of The John Bishop Show”.

Which is a bit harsh, maybe.

John’s no worse at hosting a chat show than, say, the next competition winner and probably a bit better than Davina McCall. But it helped create an unreasonable air of expectation around Trigger Point, which seems like a perfectly serviceable police procedural drama overseen by executive producer Jed Mercurio, of Line Of Duty fame, who’s wrenched a couple of decent performances out of Vicky McClure and Adrian Lester as two police bomb disposal experts, Lana Washington and Joel Nutkins. 

What Trigger Point lacks at the moment is real tension, fully formed characters, alternative locations, back stories, or in fact any story beyond the absolute basics.

An organised East London terrorist cell has planted three bombs and locked some whimpering nuisance called Phelan in the boot of his car. According to the witnesses, they were also talking “English and Arabic”, which prompted a question from Washington and probably a knowing shrug of the shoulders from anyone who’s been watching Screw or EastEnders recently.

“You think it’s Islamist?”

What? On telly? I’d round up the local white supremacists first, if I were you. It’ll probably save time.

Unexpected morons in the bagging area

THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “What B is a common name for the Yeoman warders who guard the Tower of London?”

Chunkz: “Border Control.”

Romesh: “According to a common proverb a bird in the hand is worth two in the what?”

Jamie Laing: “Pocket.”

Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Famously used by Sir Francis Drake, The Golden Hind was what mode of transport?”

Stuart: “Car.”

Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The Madchester music scene was most closely associated with which city in north-west England?”

Bernie: “Newcastle.”

INCIDENTALLY, during those very brief moments when Football Focus isn’t now lecturing fans about sexism and racism, three letters have come to the fore and it’s . . . oh, what’s the expression?

Ashley Williams: “It’s good for your club’s DNA to go all the way from the top to the bottom.”

Rachel Brown-Finnis: “Southampton have that DNA throughout the age groups.”

Rachel Brown-Finnis: “There’s no DNA at Everton.”

Ashley Williams: “You’re talking about Everton having a DNA, Leeds have a definite DNA.”

Stupidity, it’s in the Football Focus DNA.

6Multi-millionaire Charlotte Church told Monday’s This Morning: 'I’m a socialist'

BOLDLY putting herself and her new wellness spa on the same pedestal as the NHS, lovably self-effacing multi-millionaire Charlotte Church told Monday’s This Morning: “I’m a socialist. This is taking a house out of private ownership and making it something which is healing and for the people, know what I mean?”

Great! It’s free then? Put me down for a month of chanting and aromatherapy in September, Charl.

Great sporting insights 6Wise words from Paul Merson

PAUL MERSON: “If we all named one player that definitely plays every weekend we’d all say Rudiger and the goalie. Then we’d say Mount.”

Michael Dawson: “Declan Rice is the finished article and he can only improve.”

Clinton Morrison: “I don’t know why Benitez went to Everton. I know why he went. Money.”

(Compiled by Graham Wray)

Random TV irritations

ALL of the dancing atrocities performed in Robert Burns’s name on Steph’s Packed Lunch.

 The macabre and weird fascination that both ITV and BBC have with mass murderer Dennis Nilsen. A Question Of Sport destroying its own USP with bookings like Will Mellor.

Good Morning Britain’s presenters confusing their political gloating with compassion. And Saturday’s Football Focus devoting over 12 minutes to a discussion about supporters’ sexism while apparently not having one spare second to mention the midweek Arsenal/Liverpool EFL Cup semi-final.

Exactly the sort of monstrous self-indulgence that will continue to be funded by the very people the BBC so clearly abhors until someone has the balls to scrap the licence fee.

CLARIFICATION: Celebs Go Dating, Towie’s Chloe Brockett: “I don’t know why I’m still single, I’m pedigree, hun.”

Chum, Chloe. You’re Pedigree CHUM. 

WINTER Olympics, funny foreign name alert: Kong Fanying. A Chinese skier and also the original working title for Skull Island.

TV Gold

 RED ELVIS: The Cold War Cowboy (Sky Documentaries). BBC2’s beautiful Survivors: Portraits Of The Holocaust. 

The admirable Jay Blades: Learning To Read At 51. And the best show of 2022 so far, BBC1’s police drama The Responder, where an outstanding cast is brilliantly led by Martin Freeman as urgent response officer Chris Carson, who, as well as being in therapy and debt to the local gangster, has to cope with finding corpses who’ve died watching Escape To The Country. Which is NOT the way I’d like to go. A Place In The Sun, with Laura Hamilton, maybe. But please, God, not Escape To The Country.

Lookalike of the week 6Prince Andrew, left, and the Fat Controller

THIS week’s winner is Prince Andrew and The Fat Controller. Sent in by Ingrid North.

Picture research: JANET DAVENPORT

Katie Price claims she’ll become a recluse at her Mucky Mansion after it's renovated

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I was racially abused by EastEnders star Katie Jarvis on camera – I’ve been left traumatised and too stressed to work

A MUM who was racially abused by EastEnders star Katie Jarvis says she's been left "traumatised" and unable to return to work.

Michelle Antonio has told of the debilitating panic attacks she now suffers in her first interview since Jarvis' race rant outside a bar in Southend, Essex.

6A mum-of-three racially abused by EastEnders actress Katie Jarvis says she was forced to leave her job as she began suffering panic attacksCredit: BBC 6Jarvis called Michelle Antonio a 'black c***' during an appalling tirade outside a fish and chip restaurant in EssexCredit: ISO 6She was captured on video screaming slurs

Last month, the actress admitted screaming "black lives don't matter" during the brawl, which happened in July 2020.

Michelle had been enjoying a day at the seaside with her daughters, then aged seven, 18 and 25, when Jarvis launched into a foul-mouthed tirade outside a fish and chip shop.

Tempers flared over a chair, which was being used by Michelle and her family.

The performer, who played Hayley Slater, exploded in fury, calling Michelle a "black c***" and bragging: "I'm a celebrity."

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"How can racism like this still be going on in the 2020s? You think things have changed, but nothing has," Michelle, 49, told the Sunday Mirror.

"Katie shouted, 'black lives don’t matter, I’m a celebrity' – on and on and on.

"She called me and my daughters 'black c***s'.

“I was so shaken up and angry, frustrated, upset, embarrassed.

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"She was very animated and angry. She was shouting and phlegm was flying everywhere."

Single mum Michelle said she was forced to stop working after becoming "isolated and withdrawn" and suffering panic attacks.

"I felt mentally unstable," she said.

“As the court case came up, I was getting panic attacks, feeling stressed, thinking, ‘oh my God, I wish that we didn’t have to go through this’.

“I had to leave my work as a college student engagement officer, which I loved."


Jarvis admitted one count of racially aggravated harassment against Michelle, and one count of common assault against a bouncer she spat at two hours later.

She was handed a two-year community order, although could have faced a two-year jail term.

Michelle, a mum-of-three from White City in London, told the paper: "I've been sitting here stressing myself out for two years.

"I feel like I've been wasting my time."

She called the sentence "a slap on the wrist".

Katie has never apologised... she should never work again

Jarvis lost her job at the soap and worked as a guard at a branch of budget store B&M following her vile outburst.

She later issued a grovelling public apology.

"Katie Jarvis claims she isn't racist but when people are drunk, the truth comes out, and those words came out of her mouth," said Michelle.

"She made a public apology but not a personal one to me and I was the one that was being abused.

“She should never work again.

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"If she’s lost money, that’s because of her behaviour."

A spokesperson from Essex Police said: “Investigations can be lengthy as officers review evidence, take statements and study available CCTV, but we were in contact with Ms Antonio throughout.”

6After being ditched from the soap, Jarvis took on a new job as a B&M security guardCredit: ISO Images 6She was sentenced to a community order by a court last month 6But Michelle says she should have been jailed - and should now never work again

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